#bc one of these people did say that you know what is a long time away

[five-thousand-loaves-of-bread]

EMG normal, not done w tests but expect those be normal n even if not, it not explain things

which. normal EMG good thing, yea. have some scary ones on own ddx that this rule out.

people be relief n happy for me n expect me feel same but. don’t have time feel that because all that feel is dread.

dread because this my frail weak last mental defense against trauma & gaslighting & internalized gaslighting “there nothing wrong” “you want something wrong” “you just crazy (derogatory).” last thing keeping me going n trying.

dread that this will (& already has) be use against me. parents already imagine future where “am” in it but am not actually in—a year three years five years later, able bodied walking talking n living independent n “finally happy.” parents encouraged to force me walk use wheelchair less speak more. as someone already with no escape from them because still severely disabled with symptoms & high support needs even if no diagnosis (some diagnosis), who already feel trapped & suffocated & hopeless with no future or escape here before this. worry life going get so much worse.

they don’t understand autism here. don’t understand stereotypical autism don’t understand not-stereotypical autism it all same coin. here see self as ultra in “not-stereotypical autism” category because autism regression include nonverbal late in life. be diagnosed by top autism place in US not matter. it didn’t it doesn’t & it won’t. for people not born nonverbal they see two option: physical muscle or vocal cord issue or psychosomatic mental illness but derogatory. its “real” in sense they supposed say that but its not real. fact that am actually mentally ill just support that more.

wheelchair bad. nonverbal bad. AAC tablet bad. no one can imagine happy life with them except me.

n no one can understand or even try to understand that those actually not what make my life utterly miserable: not have support needs met, not have communication support needs met (give me enviroment that actually feel safe use AAC then maybe will actually communicate more goddamn it), be trapped physically, be trapped mentally by past abuse with people who did that to me who currently doing that to me, have NO COMMUNITY n that there never ever ever will be any community here in person for me so long as stay here. with no end in sight. unless make one for myself. which—too fucking disabled to do that except [redacted]. which. even that, am too severely disabled thus surveillanced to do that.

not to mention those actually one of very few thing in my life give me joy right now (other joy is fiber arts. ok end of list. everything else even stuff used to enjoy is fucking chore. n even fiber arts becoming more of past time & routine than active joy)—it the only fucking thing that giving me any sort of hint of community right now (n also literally allow me do basic function in life like go places but. DIGRESS). even if it fucking small & pathetic & ironically isolating (bc my god the ableism against us. but without community will just be pathetic & isolated ALL ALONE). to advocate take it away, it incredibly cruel.

everyone expect me be able bodied neurotypical walking talking live independent n it that my personal failure not able do that because there “no medical reason” (…still have life long diagnoses but those not good enough real enough for them), faker. n just lost last mental defense against that. so yeah guess am.

dread too for what doctor going say n recommend after all this. honestly more preferable discharge me & let me go back to old life tbh.

in perfect world there be symptom management with no diagnoses & no definitive test results, that focus on work with what got, when it unrealistic or not fucking worth it try turn life upside down make “back” into “normal.” but. mm such thing not exist.

want be treat with dignity & respect & believed & agency even when don’t know what wrong & negative tests.

[majaloveschris]

For CE, they couldn’t accept AB and that’s why the whole racism and problematic friends came into play so quickly after they went public. IMHo, the fandom needed a reason to dislike her even though she is easily able to be disliked even without her dumb friends tweets. She has no talent, no charisma, seemingly no work ethic, and is an obvious clout chaser with a very bizarre Lolita obsession and a weird obsession with older men.//

Maja I know you try to cultivate a space where everyone feels safe to express their opinion but this is absolutely insane. The implication here by saying “the racism came into play because the fandom needed a reason to dislike her” is that no one actually cares about her documented history of racist and white supremacist behavior. That the fandom only uses it as an excuse to hate because if they weren’t looking to hate her it would have been such a non issue. Yall are so nasty. I’ve been here since end of 2021, and I never really liked him until the pandemic. People didn’t know about any of that until November/December after the pap walk because the fandom didn’t actually go digging until then. The bread crumbling and everything leading up to SMA was a back and forth with the fandom bc he acted single the entire time! And THEN She posted a naked video of herself on Instagram to deflect. And the fandom is just making shit up to hate???? This is a slap in the face to every WOC in this fandom or was in this fandom.

Also to their point about “if she was his age posting Lolita shit would it still be a problem???” YES. ARE YOU INSANE. Having such a public platform catering to an age regressor kink for men is BAD. No matter how you try to spin it. Now we know it was because she was literally catering to clients who pay for her exclusive content (thanks chaturbate copyright!!!) but it literally doesn’t matter how old you are. Using the Lolita/leon/coquette aesthetic to sell sex is always objectively BAD.

This is exactly why I wanted to answer that ask, to let that person know that what they think is not true. Most people don't like her because of her personality and her behavior; that's it, and that's the truth. As I said before, I'm not saying that even if she was the sweetest and kindest human being who was around Chris's age, there wouldn't be people who hated her just because, but I also don't like when people downplay the things they've said and done and say the fans made it up or overreacted it. 

The reason why I didn't mention the whole timeline thing you did is because at the very beginning, most people didn't think it was real, and they were already mad at them for trolling a lot. And not so long after the pap walk, people found those things, so everything kind of merged together at the time. But I do agree that the main reason most people don't like her is because of her personality and because of her friends, and it's really sad people downplay the seriousness of it. 

She can do whatever with her body, but she shouldn't act like this innocent little girl. If you want to sell your videos online, do it; who cares? But then please, own it. And I hate this whole Lolita shit. It is so toxic and disgusting. 

[nyatbinary-81]

@vulpixisananimal sifstem art jumpscare!! more specifically i got bored and decided to mess around with sif and mal's outfits.

[the-lazyyy-artist]

AAHHKKK SAAUURRR CUTE!! thanks for tagging me, Reap!! You're my Tumblr tag game dealer fr fr 🥺😘

how do you spend your free time?

Drawing. Just drawing. It's a constant craving of mine to just create and draw and play with colors and poses. Also, it's because drawing is my stress reliever after a long week. I get to return to my true self.

what are your hobbies and how did you get into them?

Drawing still 😭 y'all, I've been drawing since kindergarten. Started drawing digitally when I was 13, and never stopped ever since. I read a few pages of my book, that's why I take too long to finish it lmao. I love watching documentaries, especially when I'm drawing. Favorite genre of documentaries? True-crime. It's interesting, come on!

what book or movie left a lasting impression on you?

I wanna say The 5 People You Meet In Heaven, but truly? It's Eleanor & Park. It spoke to my soul, the way this YA novel touched my life in a way that I literally saw myself in both Eleanor AND Park. The innocence and curiosity of young love and discovering yourselves within each other and the reality of family lives and sense of self. UGH. It's an old book now on my shelf but I still read it over and over again because it makes me feel younger. Movie? 4 Sisters and A Wedding. This faken Filipino Comedy film spoke so much to me, especially with family dynamics. I saw my own family in it and it made me understand my own family. And it made me feel so grateful that my siblings and I are on good terms. So... Yeah.

what kind of music do you enjoy?

Pop, for real. Musicals too! If you ask me which of these genres hit me most or leave a lasting effect, it's the musicals. It's something about how the songs literally convey emotions of characters that you can relate to. The one I love the most is Hamilton's Wait For It, Amélie's Times Are Hard For Dreamers, and Epic: The Musical's Ruthlessness (don't ask).

who is your favorite character (atm or all time) and why?

Atm, it's Shidou Ryusei (Blue Lock). Oof, I know I'm posting abt how hot this man is, but in a deeper way of liking him as a character, I admire his love for freedom. The way he expresses himself, styles himself, how he performs on the field, it exudes the way he loves it. He lives for it, and I like him so much for that. I adore him. All time? It's Joan of Arc (Clone High, specifically Season 1). I KIN HER. SHE'S ME. In a way. But she is literally the embodiment of me, her strengths and her weaknesses, her morals and her motivations. Just exclude the fact that she's head over heels for Abe bc ugh I hated that, but all of her? She's me fr fr.

Tagging: @nikonautic @biggestcharleskinnie @wabatle @atlas-atlantic @thebestsetter + anyone who wanna join!!

tag + q&a game ₊˚ෆ

hello! i thought it would be cute and exciting to do a tag game with all my mutuals to not only talk about themselves, but have fun! so here is my short little game:

alongside this picrew, share 5 things about yourself!

• how do you spend your free time? • what are your hobbies and how did you get into them? • what book or movie left a lasting impression on you? • what kind of music do you enjoy? • who is your favorite character (atm or all time) and why?

i will start first!

my name is rurumi and i enjoy spending my free time writing!

some of my hobbies (outside of writing) includes: drawing, building gundams and keyboards, and fashion! i got into most of them on a whim and became instantly hooked. aside from self-expression, being into fashion also helps with making friends in college because you always have something to talk about!

a book that left a lasting impression on me would have to be either kafka on the shore by haruki murakami or before the coffee gets cold by toshikazu kawaguchi. both stories have kept me up at night thinking a lot about the 'what ifs' in life.

i enjoy soul/r&b alongside anything of jrock influence, but i will basically listen to anything that sounds good. i am currently listening to 'so what' by lucy!

my favorite character at the moment is rin itoshi from blue lock because hes so ridiculously edgy, but at the same time i sympathize with him a lot. on the other hand, my favorite character of all time is suletta mecury from the witch from mercury series, she's an absolute ball of sunshine that i aspire to be.

tagging (+ no pressure) ₊˚ෆ

@kaiser1ns @naenaex0xx @shomatoriashi @choccorin @ryescapades

@rindreamery @soleillunne @kissxcore @rainswept @mitsvriii

[makotonaegiunderstander]

something I’ve been thinking abt is how many people think Makoto is immune to despair. I don’t think he is. I think becoming the ultimate Hope was BECAUSE he felt despair. He wouldn’t have fully reached that point without Junko. Makoto becoming such a beacon was his last attempt to avoid completely falling and it wasn’t because he didn’t feel despair, it was because he was too damn stubborn to allow everything to go to waste and he refused to sacrifice his beliefs for someone else’s. His inner monologue tells me he DID experience the same new low the other suvivors did in the final trial, but at the point where he had the choice to give up and die, he looked at the others and he looked at Junko and he couldn’t allow it to happen, not out of self preservation, but because the idea that Junko would have control over their lives made him FURIOUS. and that utter refusal to die kicked in, wether luck or otherwise, and he made the concious effort for one last push while something in him was breaking. He had to be broken in order for the Ultimate Hope to come through so aggressively, bc it could only exist in the face of the Ultimate Despair. He snapped the same way she did, but in the other direction. In what could have been his final moments he chose to embody everything Junko wasn’t, and every single optimistic and luck fueled ideal in him suddenly charged forward and pushed him. It was a combination of the final straw and a choice. Makoto isn’t immune to feeling despair, he’s just too stubborn to fall into it of his own volition. I think that’s why I like that scene in DR3 so much. People were SO SHOCKED Makoto actually fell for the tape, that he actually became despair for a moment. I saw people getting mad or disappointed, saying it was pathetic and Makoto seemed to fall from some sort of pedestal for them. Honestly part of me wonders if that sort of mentality, which clearly people had in universe, affected Makoto a bit. Like he started to see himself as less of a person, subconsciously. Prompting him to take more risks, less self preservation, act way more bold. It seems he has to be reminded a lot not to put himself in danger by his friends, to not do something too reckless. All over the place I would see in regards to that scene either this frivolous ‘oh this was just angst drama with no meaning behind it’ or ‘he can do better than that. he’s so weak’ or ‘come on, there’s no way he’d fall into despair, he’s the Ultimate Hope!’ This kind of mentality, which was kind of ironic considering Ryota was there the entire time saying the same thing and treating Makoto the same way. Like Makoto was superhuman. Like Makoto didn’t feel despair the same way ‘normal people’ did. In a way that was also how Munakata saw Makoto. Makoto stopped being a PERSON to the world when he became Ultimate Hope, he became a concept, a belief system, much the same way Junko ascended beyond herself. But the difference is that treating Makoto that way is the opposite of the reason Makoto became such a representative for hope. He wasn’t doing something no one else could. He was doing something everyone had the chance to, he just… was a little more optimistic, a little more stubborn, a little more ‘gung-ho’ about things. He just took the lead where no one else did, where no one else knew they even COULD in the face of Junko’s unstoppable force. She had overcome the biggest threats and obstacles in the world, what could one person do? And the answer Makoto found was, anything. Everything. It doesn’t all rest on Makoto, he’s just the one that was inspired to try to do what seemed like the impossible. But as evidenced by the change in his friends after that trial, it’s clearly not something only Makoto is capable of. The others pulled out of despair thanks to Makoto, but it was their choice to do so.

“But… this world is so huge, and we’re so small. What can we do…? No, we can probably do anything. Yeah! We can do anything!”

[strawberrycamel]

hey psst c'mere... no a little closer... a little closer- there we go

Loop lips are part of a racist caricature of Black people. Stop drawing Black characters with loop lips. I don't care how they look in canon, it's racist.

okay that's all you can go

[girls-and-honey]

.

[triglycercule]

who made the mtt. and no i dont mean like who made the CONCEPT of the murder time trio (because i know who that is. touken kamui i thank you for the fangame every day :3) but like,,,, who decided to just randomly pair these 3 together?? like whaaaat.......

part of me wants to believe it was rahafwabas with the whole bad sanses group thingy being made with those 3 in there and then like. the fangame just gave them specifically a seperate group name. but STILL,,,,, where did this trio come from

[mariemariemaria]

can't lie g/omens fans are starting to piss me off

[unloneliest]

the problem of the matter is i did internalize so much of what ex friend believed about me. even though i knew he was wrong and knew what was happening and tried to stop it and if i took more action to stop it would have been abusing power i held in a way i couldn't live with myself for.

[dreamly]

i agree with a lot of music fans and journalists/critics/artists that “lockdown”/“pandemic”/“quarantine” albums usually aren’t great and also don’t do very well, but i do think there is one truly incredible (at least in quality i haven’t looked at numbers and tbh i don’t really care) and maybe not the most obvious exception (well maybe it is obvious but i don’t see this album talked about a lot since like the month it came out and i don’t think i’ve seen it talked about in the conversations about art inspired by covid-19/lockdowns). anyway can we play a little game where you guys guess what album it is (this might help me find more good music or at least music you think i’d like as well as be [hopefully] fun!)

[orcelito]

The good news: I will have Chinese food tomorrow

The bad news: I have to see my mom as part of it :[

[ablazeinhim]

feeling like such a loser lately and like is it the winter or is the introversion or is it the disability???

[whoslaurapalmer]

[redacted] fic is like. the longest and most enduring game of telephone

[hella1975]

i cannot stand the aot fandom this is not a new take at all they are universally intolerable but oh my dayssss u are FORBIDDEN from making ANY take about the show it's actually insane to watch. 'aot is perfect' no show is perfect. 'tell me you didnt get the show 😂🫵' people have different opinions/interpretations about things. 'eren is a good guy they could never make me hate him' i think there's actually 4 seasons and two movies explicitely using him as a tool to show that no one is 'good' or 'evil' they are only trying to survive. hello. the fandom r all so far up aot's ass that they actually discredit its writing in the process and it would be laughable if it wasn't so frustrating

[adore-gregor]

study smart not hard (altough both is best actually) this saying is so true